You know you're too old to gig when...

• It becomes important to find a place onstage for your box fan.

• You refuse to play out of tune.

• Your gig clothes look like George Burns out for a round of golf.

• Your fans have left by 10:30 p.m.

• All you want from groupies is a foot massage.

• Your aftershow party is at the International House of Pancakes.

• You love taking the elevator because you can sing along to most of  your playlist.

• You hire band members for their values instead of their talent.

• Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.

• You've lost the directions to the gig.

• You need your glasses to see your amp settings.

• You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.

• You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off.

• The waitress is your daughter.

• You stop the set because your bottle of Ibuprofen fell behind the  speakers.

• Most of your crowd just sway in their seats.

• You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your instrument  case.

• You no longer use a tip jar.

• You refuse to play without earplugs.

• You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 p.m. instead of 9:30  p.m.

• You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.

• Your gig stool has a back.

• You're related to at least one other member of the band.

• You need a nap before the gig.

• You don't let anyone "sit in."

• After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.

• During the breaks, you now go to your van to lay down.

• You prefer a music stand with a light.

• You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.

• You can't operate without a set list.

• You have a contract.

• You say you double on bass.
   

Updated by
Fmortal 09/20/06